Ruthieonart

When Laura asked me to share my testimony, like most of you would think, I thought “no way I‘m not going to do that.” But when she said she had been thinking about asking me for a month than I knew I really had to consider what my answer would be. By then, I already knew what I needed to talk about. A lot of you heard my testimony at the High Praises program; I knew that this is going to be a different kind of testimony. I told Laura I want to talk about my call to ministry. She asked me to bring some of my art. I have brought three pieces. The one of the flowers is called Woman to Woman. I thought that it appropriately described what the Lord put on my heart to share. It is a print I made last semester at UTD where I attend school. I took it from a picture flowers that the preschool sent the administrative staff at the church where I work. They were beautiful so I took the photo and sent it to all the ladies I work with so we could remember their kindness. That is the way that women encourage each other and I thought it made a beautiful piece of art.

I have decided to share with you from parts of my prayer journal during the time of transition between myself and Mary N. as she stepped into my role in leadership. I want to give you insight into my role in women’s ministries as I have come to understand it through Mary’s eyes and through Pat’s affirmation of what I was asked to do. The majority of this testimony I want to share with you my call to ministry in the form of a letter I wrote to the WEM team.

Letting Go- Three Months of Rest- What I believe Kim is asking us to do as a church, just stop and seek the Lord.

December 28, 2001
A few weeks ago I stepped down from Women’s Ministry. At that time Lord asked me to listen and not to speak. He asked me concentrate on His Word, He wanted to allow me to get my thoughts together, not so much to communicate my thoughts to others. But to deal with issues of my heart that He wanted me to settle. I have been taking notes and as I look over them, I realized I really did need to step down from Women's Ministries. These thoughts are a spark that begin a new chapter of my life that Lord is writing. Setting down the burden I felt for the women of my church was like giving birth, just as painful. This process breathes new life in me and allows for new growth. I don't even feel like the same person I was a year ago. I think my call now is beyond just women in the church, though they will always have a large portion of my heart.

My role during my time as Women’s Ministry Chairperson was a call to prayer. That was something that occurred behind the scenes, most people were unaware of what was going on. The Lord had placed a burden on my heart that was almost unbearable; that we as women would truly be conformed to the image of Christ and that our ministries would reflect that in their mission and in action. I desperately wanted to see the women in our church go deeper in their relationship with Christ. Outwardly WM faced a series of crisis, a result a growing pains; inwardly I felt we lacked a real passion for the things of God.

Notes from a scribbled paper
God wants me to use what has been given to me .  I heard these words confirmed when the young missionary from a New Orleans homeless shelter, put the call so simple, She said "Share Jesus the best way you know how." So I might not be elegant or sure of my words, but God, My Creator has given me talents, gifts, abilities, and experiences to draw from. I have to believe and go forward to fulfill what He has asked of me. I must believe He, who created me uniquely will use me in a unique way. That He will be able to use all of me, if I will yield to His will and step forward when He calls.

I stepped down from Women’s ministry chair and passed the baton to Mary Nelson who through the experience of praying together for the women of  the church we have become close friends, she is a prayer and accountability partner, some one I deeply respect and who I always listen to.

Here is a prayer for Mary during this time.

Please let me one day fully rejoice in Mary’s successes. I am so grateful she comes to the position fresh and fully believes that what You Lord have asked her she will be able to accomplish.

If I say anything tonight I want you to know that the heart of my prayer for the women of the church and really for the church as a whole is something that Pat, Mary and I are in agreement with and believe is the Lord’s desire for you. We believe the Lord is the one who place the burden on our hearts and to the best of our ability we led and lead out of that desire, each of us with different roles, bringing to it different abilities, but with the same passion.  

Where I was called to pray Mary was asked to flesh out what a women’s ministry should look like. I can honestly say I learned everything I know about administrating a ministry from her. She brought order to chaos, brought in procedures, got us connected to leadership and training in the area. She took my advice and began each new work with prayer. She used her God given ability to reason and think through a multitude of problems and diligently worked out solutions. I learned so much from her. Things that I did not know while I chaired the committee. In fact, my lack of knowledge in these areas became an issue to the point of dividing my committee.

Mary knows the struggle I had letting go and a year later as I watched her pass the baton to Pat, she went through a similar struggle.

Another  Prayer
Untie this knot in my heart, Lord please. Let's engage passionately. I need to know. I can't go forward until I have some peace about this struggle with WEM. I'm hopelessly prideful and needy and insure. Lord, I am almost inconsolable when I feel that you aren't using me. I want to be in your will.
You know, that at this point in time there is nothing I can see, or feel, or know that tells me anything that I did during my time of leadership ever amounted to anything. You know it is the truth, and I really think you are using it to put to death something about me that I am simply am not able to do. So if there is death of self, then one day, there will be newness of life. I can't help think that some new life will come from this and it will not be in vain. I am waiting for the resurrected life and I will patiently wait while you do your work. I am convinced you know what you are doing

 Called And Asking Questions- I am answering a call to Women’s Evangelism.

It is Springtime. I was thinking about my relationship with the Lord and how I have a great sense of His presence. He showed me this week it was due to my great need for Him. It is out of those things I lack, unmet needs, hurts, estrangement and conflict. Those things that drive me to Him, drive me to my knees and account for the blessings I receive.
He has shown me my great need makes me have compassion on those whose needs are greater than mine, those who don't know Him. It reminds me it isn't by merit that He allows me to come so often into His presence, but by grace and mercy alone. It is out of a great need that the Lord supplies me with tenderness and companionship. From the emptiness of my life, He fills me up. Against weariness, doubt, and longing, He pours out His love, acceptance, and guidance. There is a hope because He is near and He is faithful. In Him I am complete.

When I asked Jesus to be My Lord and Savior I discovered my life motive was 

“to encourage other people to have a closer walk with Christ, to live in the Spirit, or to live out the Word.”

Since then I have also discovered the things that motivate me, situations that I enjoy, excel in, or treasure. 
I am driven to write and communicating God’s Word and what He is doing in my life. I am continually learning. I love to study and learn new things. I love to draw, paint, design, and create.  I am happiest when I am teaching or training other. I consider my self a small group discipler. I treasure my friends and enjoy building relationships with others.
The opportunity to design the stained glass window and write about it has all of these elements in them so, it isn’t surprising that it was a peak experience for me.  Writing about the window for me is an invitation to know Christ better and to understand His glory and what it means.
I have learned my giftedness isn't the same as my calling. It is what I am asked to bring to my call. My calling fulfills the motivation of my heart. It is the passion God has placed there. It is my purpose.

I have refined my Life Mission Statement to be:

“I want to be the best spokes person for Jesus Christ that I can be, to creatively expressing Him to others. And to encourage others to know Christ in a deeper way and to experience the presence of God in a powerful life changing way.” 

I am a teacher who writes. an artist who teaches

Confirmation- Among the watercolors- Written to the WEM Team Dec 30, 2001

Dear Ladies,
I just spent 3 days at Women’s Evangelism Training at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary in Fort Worth. The second day, I was walking through their beautiful new leadership education building while I was on break. I decided to rest my overflowing mind and look at all the watercolors that lined the halls. I also found the round stained glass windows that hang over the lobby areas on each side of the building. I had interviewed the artist who had created them when we were looking for an artist to do our window. It was exciting to see the windows up close. As I strolled I was asking God what He wanted me to do. I had come to the training determined to be open to whatever the Lord spoke to me about. And as you know, He had been speaking to my heart about humility and pride again. But this time, He whispered to me, “Be beautiful. Can you be beautiful for me?” That really does something to your heart when you hear that from the Lord. “Yes,” I said, “I want to be beautiful for you.” And I really believe He can do that in me. I was impressed that He ask nothing of me or gave me nothing “to do.” He just told me how He wanted me to be.

And as you would have it, the teachings I heard that day were detailed in how to be that beautiful, spirit-filled over flowing woman, a woman who leaves a fragrance wherever she goes. And these teachings were presented by the most lovely woman. Their passion for the Lord had them in tears every time they spoke. I came expecting polished speakers. They may have been. I didn’t notice, because all I could see was their transparency and openness to what God could do through them. Be comforted in knowing what kind of woman inhabits the leadership of our convention. I was blow away..

What God was showing me is how concerned I am about how I am perceived and if I am received by others or not. When what the Lord wants to do is use me to tell others about him. I was able to share that in confession in one of our breakout prayer times. I could see clearly how my self concern, which is a form of pride, keeps God from working through me.

I have been concerned about being received because of the difficult seasons in women’s ministry. I had seen things in leadership that grieved me. I was hard pressed to find anyone who was even willing to pray with me. I was untrained, unconnected, without support. But I was called, so somehow I walked through it. I called it the dark night of my soul. I was wounded. I don’t think the women I served with understood how badly wounded I was. And it has been pride that has kept me from admitting my hurt, dealing with it, confessing it, and then going on to forgiveness. My pride almost kept me from going forward. It was why I took three months off. But I am determined to keep on and my three months off was the best thing I ever did. I have really tried to get “over it.” I have tried to bless the ones who hurt me, serve the ones who didn’t actively support me. I have tired to forgive. I really don’t think being able to shake this is totally a forgiveness issue. It’s also a confidence thing. I have felt pretty inadequate and God has allowed other people to confirm that in me by things they have said. It is an arrow that Satan has effectively used to hold me back, keep me in fear, and make me plan just want to run and hide. It is hurtful to hear those things about yourself, but there was something in those things God was trying to teach me. And it is s this: the only hope I have is in what those lovely ladies taught this weekend about being a leader and living for Jesus. I will never be polished enough, or administrative enough. But I will try to learn some of that because I serve in Plano and it is something people value and respect. But I will be transparent, and I will weep with those who weep, and mourn with those who mourn. I will celebrate your victories and cheer you on. I will take risks and put myself in places where I can be wounded again. Because I am called, I cannot retreat, or retire. My only hope is to be a vessel for the Lord. Any success I have will be because I have yielded and allowed God to work through me. I know the only way I can speak is if He fills me. And I am called to speak, because He was given me things to say. I can try to argue like Moses that I am not eloquent to speak. To that He would say, I will be with you and I will give you the words.

Thursday late the leaders asked us to go off by ourselves and let God speak to us. We then got together and read the scripture passage He used to speak to us this week. My verse was from Isaiah 62

“For Zion's sake I will not keep silent , And for Jerusalem's sake I will not keep quiet, Until her righteousness goes forth like brightness, And her salvation like a torch that is burning.   And the nations will see your righteousness, And all kings your glory; And you will be called by a new name, Which the mouth of the Lord will designate.  You will also be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, And a royal diadem in the hand of your God.  It will no longer be said to you, "Forsaken," Nor to your land will it any longer be said, "Desolate"; But you will be called, "My delight is in her," And your land, "Married"; For the Lord delights in you, And to Him your land will be married. For as a young man marries a virgin, So your sons will marry you; And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, So your God will rejoice over you.”

On my own, I will fall flat on my face. I realized I am stepping into something much bigger than myself and I need to leave that self concern and hurt behind. I am stepping into something beyond myself and I can only get there in faith. I can only do the tasks before me in His strength.

A Challenge- to the Team
During my time off from Women’s Ministry I started to read “Jesus on Leadership”. At one point in the book the author says, “If you have not fully committed yourself to the Lord, close the book and set it down and don’t pick it up until you are willing to surrender your life to the Lord and make it public.” I set the book down and have not picked it up since. About a month ago I came to that point of being willing to surrender to the Lord. To tell you the truth it was after reading Foxes book of martyrs. I had no more excuses. There was no earthly reason to not give my whole life to Jesus for His work. I told this to the Evangelsim Team, but I need to go forward in church. I have not gone forward in church because I have been wounded. My fear is I will go forward and people will think and perhaps say in there own way, that I am not polished enough or gifted enough to do what I am saying I am called to do. That they really don’t see any potential in me. And to be bluntly honest, that is true. Unless I am that filled vessel there is little potential in me. There will be no fruit. Being that filled vessel is my only hope, because I cannot retreat, I have to go forward.

I am saying all of this because I need to confess to you the truth about myself, about my struggles, my pride, but also to confess what God has called me to do.

I say all this because I believe some of us are wrestling with the same challenge I have been, “If you have not fully committed yourself to the Lord, close the book and set it down and don’t pick it up until you are willing to surrender your life to the Lord and make it public.”  There are some of us who need to begin to allow that challenge to rise up in us. God is calling each of us, not just me. I am as sure of that as I am that Jesus Christ rose from the dead. I am to challenge us as leaders, because the Lord has asked me to do so.
I pray you will receive this from my heart because I love you and needed to tell you these things.

Ruth

In closing I want to acknowledge some of the women who served with me and have continued to be faithful to answer God’s call on their lives.

Mary N. at home mom who ministry doesn’t have a title but she encourages and mentors women of whom I am one.

Tami H.- is at DTS for her Masters in Biblical Counseling, currently beginning to work in the Stephens ministry at church.

Cher P. Pastor’s wife, actively helps Jamie with the singles ministry which has a strong missions emphasis. My dance partner.

Vicki W.- Helped start and administrate a Bible study at EDS which is still very active. She attended a Roaring Lambs seminar in Sept and is excited about that ministry.

Lisa L.- actively does outreach in her neighborhood, helps in the children’s area with VBS and Backyard Bible clubs, would like to do more but feels she needs to be at home ministering to her family.

Terri K.- My mentee has become more in the youth area along with me. She helps in Acteens and G3 a new ministry for teen girls.

I am currently active in the youth area and am starting an art ministry for High School and college age students.