Russia Why on Earth Would I Go There?
Where in the world can you go?
To by pass the pain
To refuse to look
Into the eyes of those in need
To whisper, I’ll get mine
And turn a deaf ear to sorrow
When God calls out
Take up your cross and follow
Why in the world would you travel so far?
To touch the hand
Of the forgotten
To see through the eyes
Of the outcast
What in earth am I living for?
What’s the reason?
What’s the plan?
If I respond to the voice that calls out
Take up your cross and follow.
I will start this tale with a poem I wrote when the midnight sun woke me up at 5:30 in the morning and would not let me sleep again. I spent about three hours glorious in quiet time, a rare luxury for me, someone who craves those times sometimes more than anything on earth. I read, I wrote, I prayed I listened to the small still voice, I listened to music I had brought, my roommate Annie sleeping all the while. The quiet in Russia is different for me than it is here. It is more silent, not as vibrant, the silence here sings. In Russia it just is what it is. God is at work there, but He goes unnoticed by most, covered in unbelief. But do not be fooled where He springs up the life He produces is far sweeter than I have ever known. A sweet contentment, brave people who understand the cost of freedom and live quiet lives of boldness and courage more courage than I have ever known.
June 3, 2005
We are about two hours into our flight from DFW to Zurich, then to Moscow. It all seems a bit unreal to me, but really pretty neat. I am enjoying just sitting. I don’t do that much. I am with two young girls who have never flown and they are quiet and doing fine. Everyone brought books with them. C.S. Lewis seems to be popular. I brought Surprised by Joy, an autobiography of sorts by Lewis, Mere Christianity and the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe are others along for the ride. I am surprised by Surprised by Joy. It is more about the birth of the writer inside Lewis than about this “life” as might be observed by others. It brings up memories of my life, things that stirred me like my room in my basement I had as a child, that was my own space where I was allowed to paint and draw, where I crafted candles and wrote my first poems. It was in that place where I read and fell in love with the Psalms, particularly Psalm 92, a long time favorite.
1 It is good to praise the LORD
and make music to your name, O Most High,
2 to proclaim your love in the morning
and your faithfulness at night,
3 to the music of the ten-stringed lyre
and the melody of the harp.
4 For you make me glad by your deeds, O LORD;
I sing for joy at the works of your hands.
5 How great are your works, O LORD,
how profound your thoughts!
6 The senseless man does not know,
fools do not understand,
7 that though the wicked spring up like grass
and all evildoers flourish,
they will be forever destroyed.
8 But you, O LORD, are exalted forever.
9 For surely your enemies, O LORD,
surely your enemies will perish;
all evildoers will be scattered.
10 You have exalted my horn [a] like that of a wild ox;
fine oils have been poured upon me.
11 My eyes have seen the defeat of my adversaries;
my ears have heard the rout of my wicked foes.
12 The righteous will flourish like a palm tree,
they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon;
13 planted in the house of the LORD,
they will flourish in the courts of our God.
14 They will still bear fruit in old age,
they will stay fresh and green,
15 proclaiming, "The LORD is upright;
he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him."
I have always loved solitude. I have always needed it. It is from solitude that I have learned to be creative. It is a driving force in my life the very fabric I am made of. But now I am being called, being drawn into sharing it somehow, I don’t really understand all of it. In some ways I don’t want to give it up. I am being persuaded that there will be no loss in this, there isn’t anything I can lose.
It is 6 p.m. and they are putting us to bed. I have been told it is best to sleep now and avoid getting all messed up. I have decided to just go along with this, those who have done this before must know what they are talking about. I have a bit of a headache and I will retire after I run out of things or write. My eyes are tired and I need to take my contacts out.
I am somewhat comforted by Lewis’s words, in how before he was saved, he was in touch with something greater than himself. I find a kindred spirit in that and I am surprised by it. I have an increasing awareness of a need to write and to be devoted it. I need to do it for myself, yes, because it is very much a part of who I am, but also a deeper sense, a responsibility that I have to say something to others who are in the Lord. I just somehow know this to be true of myself and I accept it without question. It is something I am maturing into, something above my pursuit of art, but not equal to my faith, but an expression of it. My inner life with the Father is unbelievable to most. It is hard for me to grasp at times, but I think it is far below the faith of the New Testament writers or other great saints, if I were to judge it, but I agree with Paul, it is best not to even judge myself.
1 Corinthians 4:3
3I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.
I always want to know what happens next, I always do to a fault. I do know like a shadow within my heart, a quiet voice, a knowing, a shared sense of purpose, in all of this I wait for what I perceive as a deliverance. And true to His nature and according to how He asks us to walk in faith, I am already half way there, seeing life through new eyes. Eyes that only He can open, eyes with which few others can see. Those who see in faith are a source of comfort and encouragement to me. Without them I could not make it through the difficult times I find myself in. It would be easy to see Russia as a distraction or a means of escape. But there is no place to hide from life and God speaks to those who will listen, He speaks to those who refuse to hear. I am more afraid of His voice fading to silence than I am of what He has to say and doing what He asks me to do. Going to Russia is not hard for me, nor is it a stretch. I knew three years ago I was supposed to go and I am still a little amazed I find myself on this plane.
I am going to rest now, and then read, maybe study. I am extremely grateful to be making this trip for the reason I am, with the people I am with and especially at the time I am taking it. I was beginning to doubt that I was ever going to get to go and wondered if the Lord had really placed this on my heart three years ago.
There are three hours left of the trip. I am listening to Counting Crows, good traveling music. I just got done watching the movie “The Notebook”. I really like Leslie who is sitting next to me. She said they really cut a lot of the movie out to make it for the general public. I think I will try to pick up a book of Walt Whitman sometime. I think my dad has read him, I have seen his work among his books, I think my sister Nancy bought Leaves of Grass
Edit:
(http://www.whitmanarchive.org/works/ I found it on the internet so I don’t have to buy it, although I remember Dad’s copy being beautifully illustrated.)
It is very, very weird writing this journal out, I am computer-less.
In my mind I have been considering a redesign of a cross stitch I did years ago based on Jesus’ I Am statements from the book of John. I brought graph paper with the hopes of working on it or finding inspiration in the Russian art I find. So I plan to wait until after we visit Moscow. I want to pick up something there. I would like to find some fabric. I am wondering what you can find there, what is the shopping like. I have been told everything is very old. I think I will like that and will get some very interesting photos besides the typical group shots. I’d like to capture the people in the church too. I would like to capture a sense of worship. I will be ecstatic if I can do that.
(Note: I never found any fabric that interested me, although there were some great looking scarves. What capture my attention was the elaborate doors I seemed to find everywhere, I fell in love with Russian doors and the iron work I saw. I did not have time to work on the cross stitch, but I know when I get to it I will use the photos of the doors I took as inspiration.)
It is great to have time to be able to write. I don’t get do anything like this uninterrupted. What a treat.
There is a window shade open and it looks like we are flying into a sunrise, pretty cool. It is barely 10 p.m. our time, Kim said we would lose a day.
Prayer-
Lord, I know you have hand picked this group and enabled us to come so far. I know Roman well know enough to know that he has something in store for us to do, something on his heart. I pray we will be an encouragement and support him. I pray for open doors he can follow up on. I pray for open hearts. I pray we will all be willing to do what we need to. Cut through any discouragement we may have, any fear. Lord, I pray Your Spirit will overflow in us. I pray for unity, kindness to one another. That we would drop any agenda we might have and follow you.
Thank you for the prayers on my behalf, for my friends and family. Be with my sister as she faces her illness. Lord, I don’t know what is going to happen; I do know they are both very ill. Lord, help me build a relationship with Jimmy so he will know he always has a place to go. Lord, I pray you will continue to speak to his heart. Be with us this first day as we won’t have rest, give us strength. Thank you for all of your provisions. I love you.
June 4, 2005
We arrived in Ryazan late afternoon pretty exhausted from our trip. Ten hour to Zurich, three to Moscow. The van ride from Moscow to Ryazan is another 3 hours. So far things aren’t too strange. The language is odd, they people seem to me are trying to be American, at least the younger ones. I found that true in Canada. We settled in our rooms, had a meeting and then went grocery shopping.
I don’t know if it is due to fatigue or travel but I do feel strange and a little sad, but no cultural shock, maybe that is what happens when you move here and realize this is all there is. Or maybe I have heard enough about Russia to have a feeling for it already. I want to remember why I am here. There is the immediate and the long term. There is supporting and encouraging Roman and there is an evaluation of how the Center can grow here.
Sunday, June 5, 2005
We are going on a boat ride and a picnic with the children of Rostock. I woke up with doubt as to why I am here. That is easier than fear, but still needs to be dealt with, these first emotions of the day. I have a headache. I hope I have enough sleep, it will be a high energy day and I am trying to decide what I need to wear and what I need to bring. I am praying we all will live beyond ourselves and do what we are asked to do, simply reach out in a fun way to the kids.
So far the kids from Arkansas are great, no self absorption, they are just out there, it is so refreshing. I can see where maybe my Scott is not there yet. I really wanted him to come. But I did see the beginning of it in him at the trailer park. This is a very similar outreach.
Prayer
Lord, I ask You to prepare our hearts, help me with my sinus headache and give me energy. Help me to not be afraid of the language barrier but to communicate the best I can with the universal language of love and caring.
Lord, help me leave my personal situation and concerns behind me for awhile, they seem to scream for resolution, but that is some thing I cannot bring about. I am waiting for You the best that I can. I want the best, I want Your will, I need my heart to mend no matter what happens I know now I am not responsible for the brokenness but I do need to choose to live beyond it, in spite of it. I want to live not as a victim, but something else, a survivor or even more than that, just Ruth, a woman who knows and loves You and has given her heart and soul to do what You have asked and to love the people You have put in her path.
Lord, my life seems like a train wreck and now that my decision in December has proven to be right and “of You” I want no less for now. Give me wisdom, Your perspective. Help me not be afraid to love, to let go, to give up what is not of You.
Get my heart right. I ask You to purify me and set me straight. You know me I always want answers. Lord, give me guidance instead and I will obey what lies before me. I think my biggest struggle is to keep it in my heart and mind. Let me worry less about explaining myself to others and I believe when You move on my behalf, if I am obedient it will prove Your goodness. It will show I really did listen to Your voice.
Be with my family while I am away.
Lord, I read the verse above printed on this page and You know I am burdened and I want my trials to be over. I want to be on the other side. Help me to trust in Your timing. Help me to trust in Your plan for my life. Help me to see how this trip fits in, a window to the world. “Go in peace, I give you the world.” (That is what You said to my heart when I prayed in the sanctuary the day before I left)
12Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12
June 5, 2005 very, very p.m.
Busy long day. We went on a “speed boat ride” more like a ferry. There were about 100 people; the children and their families. It really was fun, a little long for me. I am very tired. We really broke the ice on the boat with dancing. (Russian Techno) We all acted really very silly and it was a lot of fun. The kids all danced with us and that is when we began to get to know them. It really was a blast. The dock we left from was out by the old fortified city of Ryazan. That is where the church and palace is. The buildings are being restored, it looked pretty nice. Everything is old and run down, but not like the slums more like a small old town in West Texas.
There are young people who act and dress modern and really old who dress like peasants.
There were gypsy children begging for money on my way to the grocery store tonight on the steps leading under the street. They were tired and dirty and they were left there by themselves, too young for that, it made me very sad. We have laws against things like that in the states. I gave them all my coins. The food is different but not totally strange. I had breakfast salad with my eggs this morning. I really liked it, like having coleslaw for breakfast. The bread was dark and hard, but I loved the tea they brought.
The kids we worked with didn’t seem too retarded for lack of a better word. Perhaps they were slow, some with deformities. But as we discussed in our group meeting after we got back to the hotel, they had such a joy, it was very easy to be around them. They just ate up everything we did for them. I took a lot of pictures. I use my camera to get to know people, I have been doing that since high school camp four years ago. It has helped me get over some of my shyness and opened a lot of doors for me. The river picnic is a monthly event that Rostock holds for the children to honor the birthday people. They introduced them and have small gifts for them. They read their birthday cards out loud. The children really love this attention. We sang to them in English and they in Russian. We had birthday people too; Daniel, Tera, Morgan and Matt. It was neat to hear the song they sing in Russian. We did a skit, sang songs. Hunter played guitar and so did some of the Russian kids while a group of them sang along. The music has memories of their past in them almost folk like, but also modern. You have to hear it to know what I mean. I need to finish this tomorrow. I am going to just pass out, it is almost past midnight.
Edit: This passage does not give full merit to the fun we had dancing on the boat. You have to picture this; a ferry with a hundred people on it heading for a picnic to celebrate birthdays. Music blaring and we all start dancing and then talking. People on the shoreline are waving and dancing with us too. There was a communication going on that breaks all language barriers and screams, let’s just have fun. So we did. On the way back we did it again, like we couldn’t get enough.
June 6, 2005
We have ten minutes before we leave for the train to Moscow.
Lord be with us and keep us safe. Thank you for this time of fellowship and bonding before we serve you in earnest together. Lord shape the plans here as it seems some of the families may not bring the kids Thursday and Friday. Give us energy and thank you for the activity in our lives.
Later on the train
The train is really nice. I am not sure what I was expecting, but there are seats with tables and lots of leg room. I am surprised. I don’t know if I can write too well like this it is very bumpy and shaky. Everyone is tired; it was hard to settle down last night. I was up until 1 p.m. thinking through some difficult issues. Nothing has changed; I am waiting on the Lord to move. Although it seems like nothing will ever happen, I know that isn’t true. God is at work and I haven’t misheard him. I know I just need to continue. We are watching some strange French Charles Bronson type movie. It is really bad, but we can’t help but watch it. I am particularly attracted to this ladies outfits they are very unusual. This must have been filmed in the 80’s.
The people here are really stoic, rather sad. That is really a good word for it. They are almost lifeless. They seem to pass through life with a joylessness that I find hard to describe. The older people seem to be more effected by it. There is an older woman sitting facing me on this train. She is a perfect example of what I am talking about. It is a little scary that so many people can be like this, a whole nation.
When we were shopping last night I had my first Russian interaction. I said thank you to the cashier who had to get my fruit weighted and bar-coded for me because I didn’t know I was supposed to do it, dumb American.
I guess the question I have is could I do this, travel and maybe move one day to a place like this. I just think I could do anything if I thought it was God’s will. I think that is being proven true as I go through the situation I am in. There is a strong desire to have already pass through this, there is a growing knowledge that I need to endure in order for the very best to come of it. Life is made of little choices, Russia was one of those, to come and be open to this to be available to be used by God.
Tera is at my table she is talking about all kinds of things. It is interesting because I remember when she came forward, just a little while back and now she is here and she knows her life will always consist of adventures like this. It is really cool, God’s provision and plan. It is an encouragement to me.
We plan to see all the sites in Moscow. Have lunch and Tera and Jeff will meet with some of their friends. Everything seems so strange, but natural too. Life is never going to be normal again. I know it, living outside of the rut people get in when they live lives inside their comfort zone. That is what you give up comfort and self satisfaction giving yourself for another, for others. It is hard to explain except that living in faith works. Not that there isn’t any sorrow. That isn’t what I am asking for.
All this olds stuff, the broken down buildings are like the scars left from embracing godlessness. These are broken people. The Lord wants to bring them out of exile into freedom and abundant life. They face the same choices I seem to face. I need to shed this old life. It really has no place in what He is doing now within me.
I guess my prayer in all of this, for this trip is to know again if I am getting it all right.
June 6, 2005 Lunch
We ate at Sabarrio’s outside of Red Square. We are waiting for Jenia our interpreter. I have been aware of her from Xanga. I told her about that. When I signed up for the trip I figured I would get to know her. I told her also I prayed when she had the job interview in the Embassy in Moscow. Jeff and Tera are sitting with their friends that live and work here. We are chilling, we plan to see the Kremlin and some monuments, There are all kinds of sculpture and fountains. They represent different fairy tales. It is all pretty wonderful. It is beautiful out, hot and sunny. We rode the metro. Now that is an experience. Rush in, pray we don’t lose one of us and rush out, all in timed precision. Our interpreter is a student in Moscow. She will be going to Georgia in two weeks. It will be her first time to the States.
What we are doing the rest of the week is still up in the air. Lord, I pray You would use us. I am kind of tired and withdrawn, but it is ok, everyone needs downtime especially after an international flight. I am grateful the leaders recognize that and have told us to just do it if we need to.
I am sort of the odd man out. But it is ok, I am sort of used to it, it helps me not to be limited in what I do.
Monday, 6 p.m.
We are leaving the Moscow for Ryazan. We are dead tired and the wind blew a lot and my eyes kept getting dirt in them.
I like Moscow, it was old but somewhat modern. They are restoring lots of buildings. Red Square was amazing and so was the Kremlin. Lots of old churches with onion domes. The area surrounding it is nice too. I have never seen fresco up close. It was in churches dating from 1400 to 1700. Not the real old stuff, but for the time it was painted it looked very Byzantine, I guess the Renaissance did not come to Russia right away, they are behind in their art. There is just a few of the work in the churches what were influenced by the Renaissance. I know that from art history, but to see it was cool. Still the work was amazing. I’m exhausted.
Edit: (I slept the whole ride back to Ryazan. I needed it, I was still tired from the trip, we walked all day in Moscow.)
Later- I am really stuggling, it is heavy on my mind. About what I should do when I get home. Like I want some answers to my uncertainty.
Edit: (This was my hardest day emotionally)
Night- Getting ready to read then retire. This place is breaking my heart. I came into my room and cried. It is not the poor economy or the lack of beauty although some of Moscow is beautiful, it is the expression of the people how they numb themselves with sex and alcohol. It is especially the way the women view themselves, the way they are viewed. There is a lack of joy even their embrace of the west is harsh and lifeless. I don’t think they are a mean people, but they seem deeply wounded especially the women. There is a very deep sadness. And I had the beginning of a realization that what I have been through is somehow a window into their world, my own third world nation, although Russia is supposed to be a superpower.
Being here under my own personal circumstances gives me insight into their world where another time in my life I would have missed it. This is the right time, the earlier trip would not have been right. I personally could not have handled it, the way I was inside, I would have been really depressed.
I’m going to go to sleep soon.
Father, continue to speak to my heart, continue to lead me. I know people go on mission trips and then stop and don’t do another thing, they become comfortable and complacent. I know you are building on this experience; it is a window into another world.
June 7, 2005
I got some good sleep last night and I am trying to reason through some of my fears. The direction of my life will take I know is totally in God’s hand. He alone is sovereign. I certainly am not and neither is the enemy. I believe the Lord has called me for a purpose and I believe He has revealed that purpose to me, that He has guided me step by step. I know that I am in Russia to help build the church here by ministering to the children. I also know I am here to become familiar with what is happening in Russia. Because of the Center and how it can be expanded. I’m here to understand the people and the culture.
I really do need to process all of this; it is just another piece of the puzzle in the puzzle that is life. To just think of this time last year how much confusion and warfare there was, which I now see instead as God rearranging me life and maturing me, refining me, that I know and understand so much more of where this is all going. The Lord continues to work in my inner life, bringing things together, rearranging my thinking, I know there is more to embrace, reevaluate, and move on. How do you prepare yourself for what life brings you?
Edit: I think often of my sister Mary. How did she get through the last 3 weeks? How does she face what lies ahead, how do I? I can’t imagine this world without her. Although I can see her dancing in heaven and wearing flamingo socks.
How do you prepare yourself for what life brings you? By trusting God, why has be chosen to foreshadow things? So I will know the path I should go. I am at a major turning point in my life and I want to wait and trust in the Lord. The things He has revealed to me seemed very unlikely even a year ago. I never would have imagined.
Lord, Help me break through the isolation I feel, I guess because of the jet lag or because I am here without a spouse. That really shouldn’t matter. Help me connect with the Arkansas kids and the kids here, to Edward and his work, to Jeff and Tera, Hunter and Daniel. Thank You that I haven’t been knocked too far off my bearings by what I have seen. What haunts me is the young women, the old women. Remind me I can’t go backwards. You haven’t asked me to do that. Help me to trust you and to trust Your timing. Bless our efforts today. Keep us safe. Help us know how to prepare.
Basketball game
We are at a park near the apartments where Roman lives. It is beautiful out, the sky is clear and it is windy. It reminds me of California, the coolness. Everyone is outside enjoying it. There is a Russian cafe that we ate at. The food is very cheap here and I have to admit strange I recognized some thing that looked like quiche so that is what I ate and some pastries, now they are very good. I found tea cups for my sisters and a tea set for me. I had 6 teacups and I accidentally broke two. I was upset excect I only really need 4. I kept the pieces and I have an idea to use them in a mosaic sometime. I just think like that. They are a beautiful blue peacock pattern. Since we decided to leave our t-shirt behind for the kids I now have room in my bag to bring this stuff home! We went to the Stud Farm today and had a tour and then a picnic. I got some more sun; everyone had major allergies which does dampen the fun a little. I played games today because in spite of a headache I had more energy. It really is a good way to get to know the kids, learn a little Russian too. Of course I immediately forget it! We ate hotdogs, they call them sausages and they love them. They fixed them with very funky ketchup that most of us didn’t like. I am indifferent to it; sometimes food is just food if I am hungry. We are at their mercy. We were served a tomato and a small pickle that wasn’t pickled. It was strange I have trail mix and granola bars as backups and I am glad.
We played games and sang. This was the beginning of introducing them to Jesus in the song lyrics. Rostock is a community co-op type of situation for handicapped kids in Ryazan. They seem to be very open to us. Some of them live near by and showed up for the basketball game. We all gave them our autographs. We are discovering that being an American here is a novelty; they do not see Americans often.
The horse farm was very charming, very old world. I took a lot of pictures. Russian isn’t so depressing when we are with the children. They are lovely.
I keep forgetting to give presents to Edward for his wife and Roman’s. They are both very beautiful women. Roman’s sister was at the picnic with Roman’s two girls. There is a soccer game going on beside us. I got to talk to Jenia some about her trips to Paris to a Catholic Youth Conference. She said it was pretty awesome. Our basketball team isn’t too bad. I am feeling better today and able to be more outgoing, this journaling is my downtime.
I have been thinking about all the changes I have made since January. All the decisions I have been asked to make and why. So far they have been right on. Even though no on knows the real reason why even though I have told them, “It is what the Lord is telling me to do.” The people who know me well don’t question it too much; they know I listen to the Lord.
Edit: We won the game! Proud Americans!
Much later
All the kids are off in another room. I am having down time. We won the basketball game, DTH did really well. Bart and Jenny left we didn’t know why until later. That is a story in and of itself. We all had to ride home from the game in a van of sweaty guys GROSS. It is so amazing here, the roads are so bad. We travel with 18- 22 people in a van, no seat belts. We have music blaring and we are dancing in our seats, laughing and acting very goofy. It is an odd sensation. The place is very old and worn but some of the kids here have cell phones! That is really weird.
Prayer for tomorrow
Heavenly Father it is much better when we are with the kids. Give us hearts for them tomorrow. Help us all open up. I pray the home visits will go well that we will be able to bond with those we meet in some way, at least with the families. Bless our afternoon time with them. Lord help Roman follow up on these families, may we be the gospel in action. I’m exhausted help me rest.
Wednesday, June 8, 2005
Found out yesterday we leave the hotel for Moscow 1 a.m. Saturday our flight leaves at 7 a.m. I imagine we will go by van. I had some serious time to think what is going on in my life, it can be very confusing. What I need to do is to continue in God’s will. There are two tracts in my life. One is the past and one is the future. There seems to be a disconnect. I believe God works on both of these without fragmenting me. The question of my marriage is a big one. I have been waiting for God to move, I have been trying to heal. Others have pushed for reconciliation. I don’t see reconciliation and healing as the same thing, but they are connected. I cannot really be married until there is healing. I need to let go of the past. I cannot fully enter Kevin’s world until he understands God’s purpose in his life. To do otherwise would move me into purposelessness. This is not a time in life when attraction and emotions will do, they are gone away, and there is no hope there. He says he wanted to experience the love we never had. That is a losing proposition. It will have to be some thing way bigger than that for everything to be reconciled. In the mean time the Lord is calling me on to another path, really the path I have been on for awhile. In order for me to embrace it I need to be whole, to be healed. I need to let go of my past and allow God to do some thing new. It is a giving of my life to something greater than myself. I see that more and more. I believe ultimately in God’s time it will all come together. I want to live out this in-between time the best I can, to not waste it. I believe Russia and why I am here is part of all the other ministry; Cornerstone, Art ministry. In the past they have been what sustained me, a powerful force. I think, I now I need to change my focus. I have been asking the Lord to show me what that is. I need to figure out where marriage fits into that. This seems like an almost impossible situation, all very fragmented. I know I will continue to seek out what the Lord is telling me. I will try to not be afraid. I wish it were simpler, but it is not. I want to be whole and healed so I can truly be married; to understand my call.
In God’s word marriage is above all other relationships. How do I heal and get back into perspective and still maintain my relationship with God and how I know He has been calling me? I don’t believe that has changed although it has taken unexpected turns that I am continually adjusting to. I have to remember Kevin opposed me in all things spiritual and tried although passively to destroy all that God was doing in me and in doing so wounded me over and over again. This is something I just can’t jump back into.
Bart and Jenny had a pretty wild experience last night visiting a young man. Bart was suspicious and thought he was trying to fix him up with some women and wanted him to drink vodka with him. It was all very bizarre and strange; the food, pork fat and their reaction to having American in their home, it was a great honor and a privilege to them. Bart did get to share with them why he had joy, that he had Jesus. All of this; him not drinking and sharing Christ was completely mind blowing to this young man. He wanted Bart to fix his legs. He has a simple defect that could have easily been treated. Bart was particularly moved because he had the same defect as a baby. It was treated with corrective shoes. We are very fortunate in America. How many sorrows are we spared because we have good medical care.
Edit; I know we complain, and sue our doctors at the slightest wrong, but as far as I am concerned they are miracle worker and people live through diseases that in other times would have been fatal by the millions. We should instead praise God.
Lord Bless this day and give us strength to do what you have asked. Give us a heart for these people, help us reach out and share your love, pour out your Spirit on us so they will know a greater joy, may we plant gospel seeds and not do anything silly when we talk about our faith and ruin our witness to the older people because they do not associate that emotion with the holiness of God and think we are being sacrilegious. However, I believe we reach the younger ones through this display of unbounded joy. Give us wisdom and Your love. Be with my family while I am away. Bring us all closer to Christ. Help us to fulfill Your call on our lives. Be with my husband while I am away. Help him to understand what I need to do in order to be healed and fully embrace our marriage. Continue to bind us together. Help us to wait as You work things out. I know Your word is true, I know You are guiding me. I know you have Your hand on us. Thank You for caring about us. We are Your servants.
Wednesday Evening, June 8, 2005
I am in my room and it is almost midnight. The kids are down the hall. We don’t have to be downstairs until 10 a.m. so we can sleep in. Today we spent the day at Rostock. We meet with the founder and learned for ourselves about the group, about how they got started, their vision. I also talked with Edward about how the church got involved and what their commitment was. He said they just paid attention to the needs and then the church asked what they were able to do or not. I want to do something. I will be thinking and praying about it. Off the top of my head, family mission projects, something with the art group? I want to be able to go back home and talk about it. I might even see if I can call small churches and talk to their women.
After the government in Russia changed in 1989 a ministry for the handicapped was formed. In 1991 the director of Rostock was invited to be a part of it, I believe she has a severely handicapped child. She began by inviting parents of the handicapped children to come together for support. They acquired a building and it is a place for the children to come each day. They have all kinds if organized activities and outings. They try to send the kids to camp, if they can find the money to. The mothers who organized Rostock mailed post cards to all the families in Ryazan who had handicapped children. They got their names from the medical clinics in the area. The funding comes from the government and sponsors. It has been a difficult year and they are behind on their bills because the money promised them has not been given. The director is afraid they will be closed down. They have been told by the government that they, the handicapped children are not important.
I see so much rejection in their lives and the difficult situations their parents face without much assistance. Medicine is no longer free and more children need a sponsor in order to pay for it. The craft program is pretty amazing, they do all kind of things. The director is paid but al the rest volunteer. Roman the church deacon is the psychologist there, it is his ministry. Edward came from St Petersburg on his vacation to help. I talked to him about what he is doing. He has no church just a regular job. He had hoped to be picked up by the Center, but left for St. Petersburg for a better job because he felt it needed to happen. I guess this upset some of the church members in Ryazan. He said this trip was making him hungry to do ministry again and he would like to do something similar in St. Petersburg but preferred Ryazan. He is missing home. I don’t know what they had in mind for Edward to do, but he would be good.
We played games today the best one was volley ball with a very large ball. It was very humorous because one the kids would randomly hit the ball and mess his team up. We just had to laugh, he didn’t know any better. He just wanted to be in the midst of things.
They had a trampoline up and archery. I did pretty good with the archery except I kept stinging my arm, I quickly remembered why you wear a guard.
We ate lunch, it was macaroni noodles and that funky catsup and hot dogs (sausages), home made apple and cherry juice. It was weird needless to say. Dinner was pizza at a restaurant with hardly any sauce on it. What is did have on it was dill instead of Italian spices. It was very cheap. We went to the internet cafe. Sean and Scott had written me. Kevin was upset because he thought I didn’t write him, but I did. I explained it to Sean and I explained it to Kevin. Sean is depressed and asked for prayer because his transmission broke and he had to have his car repaired for about $2,500. It will take a large chunk of the money he makes for the summer. He wanted to pay for his classes. He told me he wasn’t going back in the fall, but I want him to take at least one class. I talked to Jeff Clarkson briefly about it. I asked Sean to talk to Jordan or Kim. He needs some godly advice from a man.
Thursday, June 9, 2005
Up early, listened to the sermon entitled “Others”. It is very appropriate here and it really needs to go into the book on the stained glass window. It was good for me to hear it now in the midst of the trip and after hearing from Sean. Lord we need to be turned around, help us step outside ourselves. Lord it is a message the whole church needs to hear. We need to get out of our comfort zone and get our hands dirty, to be places that make us uncomfortable, that humble us, that cause us to look towards you. You are our God in heaven beyond all, above all, You are a God who reaches down and takes hold of us. Lord, do just that, let your vision be our own, as much as we can grasp it. We need willingness to get involved in others lives and ask “how can we make a difference?” I want to actively help promote the Center. I realize this is why I am here to understand it better. I have an ability to communicate both verbally and nonverbally, the means, the opportunity. I know the way You work with me Lord, this desire You have brought up, it is down the road a ways, but in faith if I begin those little steps right now, You will build on that. I want to start with Art Group and ask; “what could we do on a mission trip with the art ministry students?” I think we could come and teach crafts along with a group that is doing other activities like rec. I know Edward’s vision is for the other school of vision impaired students and the orphanages here. We all agree that the hope for Russia is in the children. There is a great hardness of heart or maybe it is despair in the older people. But we believe even though they are closed they may respond if they see how we love the children. We need to meet needs first. All this translates into how I see Art Group. I want to be a part of this (the Center) to the fullest extent that it can be. I would love to quit my job and just do as the Lord leads me. I am still waiting for Him to move even as I see Him change my heart. To continue as my life was, centered in self whether in sorrow or in just trying to survive just seems unacceptable. Lord please do what you said you would do and take me into that new wide spacious place you have shown my heart. In the mean time I will allow you to rearrange my heart and widen it. I keep thinking about what Kim said the night he talked about missions, how the Lord had placed this vision on his heart and mind, the Center and it’s outreach to these people and the 10/40 window and how it is inside him and as long as he was there at the church that is where he is leading us. I just want to be in the midst of that as much as I possibly can be, as much as I am able. I don’t know what all that means, but it isn’t something I can or want to walk away from.
Russia
Pear juice with gas- yes!
Russian music in the back of a van full of people
Dancing on the river
Shopping
Red Square
Dusty streets
Broken down buildings
Plants and lace in the window
Yellow wild flowers
Queen Anne’s lace for feed
Sad faces
Drinking beer in the streets
An unfamiliar sound from a smiling face
We are Americans
I had a long talk with Annie my roommate about her father’s death last year from injuries suffered in a motorcycle accident. She is doing very well. She says although she misses him, everyday she thinks of him, she is over the hill and sees death and this life differently. She is embracing it. She sees each day as a gift and the Lord has ordained our days. She also said that the Lord let her know before it happened although she did not pay as much attention to it as she thought she should have. Her uncle also knew and she thinks her dad did too; a foreshadowing would best describe it. I thought that was interesting, I think God cares enough for us to prepare us for the future if we would pay attention; He promised to not leave us as orphans.
I have to get ready. We are visiting people in homes today.
Friday, June 10, 2005 – Last day We aren’t sleeping until the plane from Zurich to Dallas.
Lord, Help us finish well. Speak to our hearts. Help us share your love, encourage Edward and Roma. Lord thank you for these men. Thank you for the church here in Ryazan. Help us to finish up and prepare to go home and face the situations we will need to face. Although I thought perhaps mine was getting easier I can see from Sean’s e-mail it is not. Kevin and I need to engage on this thing called money. Sean wants to move out and he needs to deal with his school. I really just want to step back so Sean doesn’t make decisions based on reactions to his dad, but what is best for him. I know with the car situation it is the Lord’s hands; bringing things out in the open. Sean needs to work and take school slower, but more serious. Lord he needs more discipline. Lord I pray for Mary and Jim too that Jim would be able to get off the respirator. Give Mary strength. Lord bless my family and bring us all together of one accord. Help us to listen and wait on you, you are our hope.
Yesterday we visited homes of the house bound children, really one child and two grown men. The first was a young boy with severe CP. (Cerebral Palsy) A very petite and charming waif of a woman met us at the door. The mother was very shy and humbled by our visit. Although she was single, she did not seem to have any bitterness about the situation she found herself in. There was an adorable younger brother who was maybe two. Her son with CP was like many of the children at Stillwater that I used to go to help as part of service projects our youth group did when I was in middle school. I am familiar with these children from my days at Children’s in Dayton. They would find their way to the 3rd floor periodically when they developed pneumonia. This child had a lot of the gurgling and really needed suctioned I would have given anything to have been able to relive him of the fluid that made each breath a chore. We told a story, sang a song, and introduced ourselves. It was hard to know what to say and we all felt very awkward. Andre our guide visits these kids on birthdays and holidays. He was a great help in making us all feel a little more comfortable in what we were doing.
The next young man we visited was 25 with severe epilepsy and the problems that go with that disease. At one time this young man in his early years had up to 20 often violent seizures a day. He to this day doesn’t leave his home for fear that he will have a violent uncontrollable seizure. As he sat and talked with us, it became apparent that he was of a very sweet nature. When he made the connection that we were all Christians he excitedly took us into his room to show us his icons. They covered a large portion of one wall and were mounted on a beautiful crafted triptych that was place on a desk. His step father had hand crafted the triptych rich with craving for his son. The young man was very proud of the religious art work that adorn his room and with it’s inspiration he began to repeat the Lord’s Prayer. There was something in the certainty of his pronouncement that struck a cord with me and caused me to begin to weep. Jenia our translator later told us that until his began the prayer his utterances were labored and full of stuttering, we did not notice because of the language barrier. His pray had the same effect on everyone in the room. We left his shortly because we had given him a beanie baby of a bird not knowing his pet bird had died recently. All the activity and the sight of the stuffed animal got him over excited. We went back into the living room and prayed with the mother. In her gratitude she gave me a wicker basket, I think because she knew I was an artist. Her husband had handcrafted it too. It was rather large and I decide then to carry it on the plane instead of my purse if I needed too, it immediately became a prized possession. We escaped through the darkened hallway and out the security door, a feature that helped distinguish this apartment as a dwelling for a more well to do segment of the population. We commented on the fact that his woman’s first husband had abandoned her because of the stress of living with and caring for an ill child. However, we noted her new husband although not present, left us all with a deep impression of his love and acceptance of this young man. We thought it was a rare and beautiful thing to stumble upon.
The next young man we visited had down syndrome, I believe. We were instructed to not ask about the medical conditions of the children. This mother did not volunteer any info. We were joined by the grandmother who looked the part of an old Russian woman. It was really delightful to me. The room like most we had visited was decorated with oriental rugs, place on chairs for covers and all the walls as art. This room had an enormous rug on the wall, I was taken in my it’s beauty and the deep rich wines colors in its design. This stop we were given tea, cookies, cheese and sausage (not hotdogs this time the real stuff what looked like summer sausage). It was past two and I had eaten a granola bar and cherry juice with gas for breakfast around 8 a.m. I was hungry, so I ate. I love the tea they serve in Russia.
To get home we had to travel across Ryazan. I took pictures of the housing as we wander through the maze of buildings. We took a bus, a taxi and walked quite a bit. Running to catch the bus Leslie accidentally dropped things from her sack left and right. I came running behind her swooping things up and putting them in my basket. It caused me to laugh. Almost 50 years old running down buses in Russian, catching falling items as I go; I finally jump on board as the bus takes off with a lurch and everyone looks at us like we are from another planet. Then we all begin to speak and our alien status becomes more pronounced. We are somehow exotic and I feel almost like a specimen in a zoo. I am still very hungry, dusty now and the bus is hot and close.
The rest of the day we spent at Rostock. It was fun. We played with the big volley ball again. I finally got the nerve to get up on the trampoline. It must have been the run to the bus that made me feel I had nothing to lose. I never laughed so hard in my life except when we danced on the river. For lunch we ate cold soup with sour cream on top. I think there was ham, zucchini, onions and maybe basil in the soup. I am not sure what else. The jellyroll bread saved the meal along with the homemade cherry juice. I had given one of the young women the drawing I rendered in pastels the day we spent on the river. She gave me a pink beaded necklace in return. I loved it and decided I must wear it home on the plane.
We went back to the hotel that night and I must confess we were COMPLETELY WILD in the van. So much fun you can’t imagine, joking around and being really goofy. It was too late to get a meal. I ate a much appreciated granola bar for dinner and now as I write this, for breakfast.
We quickly cleaned up, crammed our bodies into the van and headed for church. It was a special meeting called for us, I think so we could hear Roman’s grandfather speak. We sang along with Hunter and Daniel on the piano and guitar. It was one of those blessed times. There is something about a hymn in Russian and English sang at the same time. There were no English hymnals so some of us were even on the wrong verse. It was laughter and joy and God loves even goofy worship by goofy kids who have the courage to come half way across the world to see what God could do with them. It was sweet. We prayed and Edward spoke to the church. He wanted them to know how he was doing. It was very emotional because when he had left months earlier some of the people were upset when he left. He needed to address them. I commented later to Hunter that it was almost like watching Paul address the church, he had the same impression too, there was just some things about his passion and humbleness as he explained himself. The church received him with joy. Next they had us all share. DTH talked about how his family has fallen in love with the people of Ryazan. I talked about how it was a miracle I was able to come and how I had found a connection with the ladies at Rostock because of my art ministry in the states. I shared that I was eager to see how this connection would continue and what would become of it in the future. I know I need to go back and talk about what they are doing; I need to talk about what I am doing. We took lots of pictures after Roman’s father shared. We had cookies and apple juice which was more like cider this time.
I need to add that Hall Terror played today for the first time together in awhile. It was pretty cool, lots of pictures, the kids really liked it. I gave Jenia my Briston CD (Hunter promised me another, hint, hint) I need to get my stuff together and be down stairs in 15 minutes.
The last installment, yet to come was written on the plane ride home. I want to go back and refine and elaborate what I have written, this is only a skeleton of what transpired. There are many sights and sound, people and places, thoughts and feelings to be captured. This does not do it justice. I was bone tired most of the time I wrote, my hands cramped because it has been so long since I have written at length with a pen, my mind full of things not yet processed, I am slow to do that.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Our last day at Rostock. We were instructed to be one on one with the kids, to look for loners and just have fun, typical youth work as I see it. We played games, took the rest of our pictures, exchanged more gifts. I received some lace tatting from Natasha , the young woman in the wheel chair. She is amazingly agile with her hands mastering the art of balloon sculpture in one afternoon. Bart is leaving all his books and balloon supplies with her. I learned to do flips on the trampoline and then we all just laid on it and talked. Tara taught me how to do the flips Jenia joined me in these lesson, it was a blast. For lunch we had pancakes or maybe something more like crapes. Thin pancakes, anyway they were welcome after the cold soup from yesterday and we ate them with jam and sour cream. I will admit to eating at least six.
We were grateful for the cool weather we had and enjoyed the outdoor concert with the Hall Terror plus Bart on the key boards. I was amazed they made up new songs as they played. The songs were really good but you will have to ask Hunter about the lyrics I don’t remember them. As we assembled we attracted the attention of some of the neighborhood youth who came to watch us. They were smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. We were giving more gifts handmade by the children, pot holders and a beaded Christmas ornament. As we said our good-byes many of the kids cried and asked us if we were coming back. I know another group needs to come and one will be planned, I am sure if we are able we will come back. I think that is what is on all of our hearts. I talked briefly with the craft lady, she wants to exchange idea through Jenia as our intermediary. If I come back I want to teach craft classes; some things that are very American. We were given various pictures of Ryazan, ate ice cream and watched a video of the stud farm that Roma had made. Bart gave a gospel presentation with beaded power bracelets and Bart made us learn our colors in Russian. I can’t even take in all this does to me, it is something beyond humbled. This experience does call into question many of my motives, the things I demand to be happy. It makes me want to be more careful as I answer God’s call on my life. He seems to want to open me up to all possibilities, to yield to his word and his plan. I do not know the timing of it. I am more certain of it though in all of this, although I cannot explain why, it just seems to be that way.
We ate pizza, rested, hung out, showered and got ready to go. I talked to Hunter briefly about this summer and the changes for him, I could see so much this trip how God speaks through his music and how the Lord has a hold of his life. He has always inspired me and in many ways seems more mature than me spiritually. I know Daniel is moved by all this, this is pure and undefiled religion. This is the real thing.
I guess that is where I am, not really knowing what is next, but not willing to settle for less. I want quit my job and help Khalil with the Center. I really want to speak and talk about my trip to encourage others to just go. I want to ask the question, what is next for Ryazan, for the Center? I want to be more involved. That is all I know right now.
Later. We are on the flight from Zurich to Dallas about midway. We have had lunch and two movies. It is 9:30 Dallas time. The first movies was called “All Because of Winn-Dixie." It was about a girl and her dog, reaching out and relationships. About a pastor who lost his wife and his daughter asking questions about the mother she never knew. I really liked it. It reminded me that life isn’t perfect and we need to deal with what we have.
I know in my own life the need to move towards reconciliation, but I have asked the Lord to give me great wisdom and discernment in moving that way. I guess I keep repeating this; no matter what I do the Lord is sovereign and our lives are ordained. That is all very confusing to me at times. So I really need daily guidance. I keep going over and over what I know. That I won’t be going to school, that I need to get my house in order, I am writing, doing art ministry, being open to the Spirit’s lead.
Jenia came by last night to say good bye. She will be in America for three months this summer. She is leaving in nine days. I plan to keep in touch with her.
I need also to make plans to see Mary. I know someone won’t want me to, but I will start looking into plane fares and hope I can get a cheap ticket. I don’t think it would be bad to drive, maybe while Scott is on mission trip. I am afraid Kevin won’t let me go and we will be back into the same old thing with money. I think we are there, that things haven’t changed.
I don’t know what else to say about Russia, it looks very old and somewhat backwards, but that is changing. The trip was perfect in that we did what we were supposed to do, the church is very grateful and I believe they will follow through. I believe we opened doors, we planted seeds. We can still influence through relationships. The team I think was awesome, even better than the Canada team. And although our plans changed Roman, Edward and Roma were very easy to work with. I don’t think there was any time wasted nor did they interfere with Bart’s leadership. There was great cooperation on the leadership level.
The only real irritation was at the airport this a.m. I pray my bags will be untouched and my eyes won’t kill me because I have left my contacts in so long. (I had to check my carry on and left my camera and my contact case and glasses in it. It was unlocked too.)
Other than that it was a perfect trip. I would have like more internet time, but I wasn’t expecting any.