Monday, November 21, 2005
This is what I wrote at the beginning of my fast on Saturday. Cocooning is a term I made up. It is something I have done in the past to console myself when nothing else will console me.
I took a nap and cocooned. I lay there wrapped in blankets in the fetal position. There I felt safe and warm and for a few minutes free from the pain and discouragement I have been battling, free from the weariness I have carried, free form the battle that rages over me, free from the emotions that keep me off balanced. Now I feel I can go on and get up.
Father,
This rest has cleared my palette. It is as if all things past have been washed away and I am on a clear beach, sea and sky and horizon that is all. Everything is new, washed new. I want to know what you want, speak to me in this freshness. Any thoughts or idea from you that have transpired let them slip away. Simplify my mind, my heart. Help me to hear anew. There is nothing for me to hold on to. Water I cannot hold, sand slips through my fingers. The wind I do not know where it comes from or where it is going; your Spirit. I will rest in this place until you move me on.
There is a watercolor in my bedroom that I did in Florida. It contains a haiku written about me by my spiritual mentor when I was in the new age. It is a small piece I did it with torn paper as a template. It captures the essence of the ocean, not a particular place. I had lived in Florida for 10 years when I did it. The ocean was very much a part of me, it is something that seeps into your soul, it is still there if I close my eyes. I can see it, smell it, I feel the sand between my toes, the wind on my face. It testifies to the time I spent there over the years. The haiku captures me at a point in time by someone who knew me well. It was his way of saying things that can’t always be spoken, like I know you and you are alright just the way you are my friend.
from the sea
the wind returning
blue
Late spring of 2004 my father had a heart attack and I went home to spend a week with him and my mom. Even before I left for Ohio I knew I need to speak to my spiritual mentor. The last time I had seen him was outside the ICU when his mother was in the hospital with a brain tumor. We had parted on very poor terms because as a young believer I was far from gracious to him, seeing him as a threat and treating him with real contempt. I have to tell you I did a lot of damage to him, to the Gospel and to our friendship. I needed to apologize to him. I also had needed to forgive him. That is something I had taken care of publicly in church the Sunday before my father’s heart attack. I went forward for prayer. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but it did, in faith, released me from my past and enabled me to move on and seek forgiveness from my friend. I brought gifts the afternoon I spent with him and his parents and my best friend from childhood, Judi, his sister. I brought a sample of my writing and two books by my favorite authors. I did that because I wanted to show him that when I became a believer I did not leave my head at the door. (the books were If You Will Ask by Oswald Chambers and The Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen) Nor had I neglected the gift of writing that he had helped me develop. It was my way of saying thank you and I am sorry for being a jerk. I really was a jerk to him as a new believer. I realized I had to do this for Jesus too, because Jesus is not a jerk and I had misrepresented him. I found out a few months ago that since then my former new age spiritual mentor has become a believer. That is a truly amazing event. I hope the reconciliation I sought played at least a small part of that and my prayers through the years. I think they did.
The fast has been very good for me. I was not trying to figure out on my own what to do. Everyday that seems to weigh on me. The questions I had for Pat on Thursday and the questions Mary had for me on Friday concerned that; Am I going in the right direction? The incident where I lost my job and my church home feels like I have gotten off course. My question is, do I move on or seek reconciliation? What does the Lord want me to do? I do not feel released from Hunters' Glen. I kind of feel stuck. I think I would like to unstuck myself, but I really think the Lord wants me to remain in my present situation stuck and wait on him to move me where he would have me go next. I know I am supposed to work on inner issues and I have. It leaves me exhausted angry and depressed. It is hard work allowing yourself to feel. In my very uncomfortable stuck situation, without a job or ministry I am able to do the work on myself I need to do so I am grateful. It was Pat's idea for me to fast. I appreciate her friendship very much.
I think the picture God gave me is like the picture in my room, but new. I think it is about reconciliation and all the good things God intends for his people if we will humble ourselves and get real with each other. It’s about what can happen when we get to a place where he can use us.